My ex wife took offense to this, and wrote on the public wall that I was so pathetic for trying to insinuate myself into my daughters life through her friends that I didn't even know... WTF? While my relationship with my daughter is strained at best, there are efforts made. Online chats, conversations, though they don't always go in the way of sweetness and light.
From there, it all went down hill. I received perhaps 50 separate messages from my ex, covering everything to what a fucker I am for trying to insinuate my way into my daughters life, to what a fucker I am for not being in my daughters life more than I am. Then, she attacked my wife, my relationship with my sister, and then finally back onto my daughter. She went on to tell me that the last fight she and my daughter got into was because my ex was telling her that I needed to be invited to her wedding, and my daughter was saying hell no. WTF? She's 16!!!
She also went on to tell me that yes, my daughter is reading every word, and is in full agreement. My daughter logged on to MSN a bit later, and I asked her... you read the conversation with your mom?
Yup.
Is it true?
Yup.
The not wanting me there, not wanting me at your wedding, wanting me out of your life?
Yup.
Nice. So, heartbreak after heartache.
On top of this, my wife left me holding the bag. I received the first message from my ex first thing in the morning, and my wife was sitting there checking her mail. She saw my face, knew something was up, and asked. I told her my ex is being a bitch again, writing and picking a fight. She said she didn't want to hear about it, and wanted nothing to do with any discussion there. I'm on my own.
Great. So, I get bomb after bomb dropped on me all day long, both from my ex and my daughter, and I'm not even given the courtesy of a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to about it, or even a place to vent. Nope. Not yours.
End of the day, wifey asked how things were going, whether the ex had quit writing... I said nope. not only her, but my daughter is in on the action now.
Oh.
yup.
So, has she said anything about me?
She's said things about everyone. You said you didn't want to hear it, wanted to stay away from it, my cross to bear.
She said she was sorry, and that it was selfish of her.
While I agree, and yes, it hurt knowing I couldn't count on her to be there for me, I went on to let her know some of what went on, and only when she asked. I let her in, but only as far as she asked me to.
Now, my wife is unhappy with me for being unhappy.
Leave me to deal with it on my own, then complain when I'm dealing with it on my own? Yes, I'm quiet. It's how I get when I'm hurting. Sorry if she's one of the ones that helped me along that path.
So, what did I learn yesterday? Several things I think.
1. My crazy ass ex is liable to drop out of the sky on me like the hammer of fucking doom, with no warning, provocation, nothing.
2. My daughter is going to rip my heart out, no doubt about it. She takes pleasure in twisting the knife, takes after her mother.
3. I can't count on a single soul to be there for me in my hour of need. I'm on my own, and can't trust anyone. Not completely.
4... well. Life goes on anyway, sometimes whether we like it or not. Today will be better than yesterday, if only because yesterday sucked so badly.
Be careful out there dear reader. Remember, the only one you can count on is you. No one else has your best interests, or feelings in mind. The further you let people in, the more ability they have to hurt you. While it's not good to isolate yourself, just remember that you need to make sure to keep areas of your heart and mind free, a place for refuge that no one else can touch.
Pity party? Maybe. Eh, I'm sure I'll get over it.
